Another Saturday, Another Pile of Laundry.

Another beautiful spring morning, too. Cool little eddies of air moving around the rooms and I'm the only one awake to enjoy them. Such bliss!

KidThree is going to her bio-mother's home today to get her hair done. The girl who does it doesn't want to come out to the town where we live, so we go to her. The hair-beautification process takes all weekend, so I will get another day and a half or so to myself after I drop KidThree off.

Goals for this weekend--finish straightening up the living room and then process all the odd bits of paper and mail that have accumulated over the past several weeks. As part of that process, I'll get our next packet ready to send to Victims' Comp, to get reimbursed for some of the necessaries that we have to buy. Victims' Comp is a program that is supposed to reimburse state residents for expenses necessitated because of a violent crime, such as the shooting of KidThree and her consequent paraplegia. It can't possibly cover all the little expenses that crop up, but it helps with a lot of them. It is about as logistically onerous as a government bureaucracy can possibly get, but eventually it is possible to pry money out of them. This next packet of paperwork can't be sent out right away, as it also needs a letter from KidThree's primary care provider and copies of the denial letters from the insurance, but at least I can get it all in order so when those letters arrive, I can send the whole thing out.

As part of clearing the living room today, I'll get the tv table set-up completed. My power drill/screwdriver died just as I finished removing the legs from another table we had, so I couldn't put the legs on the tv table. Now the drill is all charged up and ready to go. That will be a nice accomplishment, to have that in its finished state. When KidOne and I were originally setting it up, she dropped the vcr and dvd player; neither of them is now working. That is seriously annoying, as I like to watch my own movies while working. New movies on cable aren't good for that, as those need to be paid attention to, while with my own movies, I know the stories well enough that I don't have to focus so much and can work done while watching them. My birthday is Monday. Maybe someone will send me a few dollars so I can at least get a new dvd player. A new vcr can wait.

KidFour returns Sunday evening for two days. She has an appt with a healthcare provider here in town on Monday and then Tuesday has her regular appt with her Independent Study teacher, then she leaves and does not get to return. This is the first time I've ever told a kid that she had to go. Over the years, kids have come to stay for anywhere from a few days to a few months, and this is the first one I've had to evict. It has been very difficult. KidFour is the first one I've had who flat out refused to do anything to contribute to the household. I've had lazy kids before, sloppy kids, troubled kids, but never a kid with such a strong sense that the world owed her everything. Hmmm. I do hope KidFour will be okay. She is still a relation and I still love her; I just don't have the resources to continue providing her a home while she decides if she is going to straighten herself out or not. She is going to return to her father's home, as things there have supposedly been improving. Of course, a lot of that improvement was probably caused by KidFour's departure and the consequent reduction in tension; it will be interesting to see what happens when she returns and the stress levels there rise.

Wednesday this week I am not working, so that day will be spent trying to get KidThree's room cleared out. KidFour's bed and bureau will go on craigslist, as she doesn't need them at her father's. Then KidThree's own furniture can be placed so she has maximum accessibility. Everything is plotted out in my head--it is only waiting until Wednesday to be carried out. KidOne will be available that afternoon and evening to help with the actual furniture moving after I spend the morning clearing out all the smaller detritus and getting things generally cleaned up. Much easier to clean first and then move things than to move things and then try to clean.

KidOne suggested yesterday that we should have only a twin bed in the living room instead of the full-size that is there now. KidThree concurred. So, I hopped on the internet and looked up twin beds at Ikea and found one that should be just right. We will be able to afford it if I can get the Victims' Comp packet out quickly. My long-term goal for the living room is to have it completed by the end of June.

And now off to be with KidThree for a bit.

A

There Is a Lovely Breeze In Here.

We chose this apartment solely because of accessibility. Last year, when KidThree was shot, we were living in an apartment that was up three steps and that had too sharp a turn to the bathroom for a wheelchair to negotiate. KidThree was hospitalized for three months, time I spent trying to find an accessible (and affordable!) apartment. I couldn't find one in that time frame. Fortunately for us, KidTwo was living in an accessible apartment in a low-income housing project here in town. We ended up swapping apartments--she came back to her childhood home and KidThree and I moved into KidTwo's little apartment. That was a temporary measure, as it was illegal for us to be there, it was a mile from the nearest bus routes, and I just plain didn't like it. So, the apartment search was continued. Let me tell you, finding accessible housing on a budget is difficult at best. Nothing available, all bedrooms upstairs, waiting lists, two or three or four steps up to the front door. I finally ended up just driving around town, up and down streets, looking for apartments with no steps to the door. That is how I found this apartment--driving slowly past, I saw that the downstairs apartments appeared to not have steps into them. I parked and walked around, then found the office and asked the manager if she had any two-bedroom units available. She had one, and gave me a flyer. I drove around some more, looking for more options, but didn't find any. The next day, I returned to this complex and spoke with the manager again, putting my name down for the available apartment. The available apartment was one of three in a row in this building, the apartment in the middle. At one point during the paperwork process, I happened to ask if the apartment's bathroom had a window, as from the layout on the flyer it appeared to but given that it was in the middle of the three apartments, it couldn't have a window where one was shown on the layout. The manager told me that no, this was the one apartment that didn't have a bathroom window. She then mentioned that the apartment next to it did, and that she was going to have to have those tenants leave, as they kept damaging their apartment and hadn't paid their rent recently. I immediately asked if I could have that unit instead of the one I was down for. She agreed, we fixed the paperwork, and eventually KidThree and I moved into this apartment.

What incredible serendipity. This apartment is so much better in so many ways than the one directly next door. The rent is lower because "the apartment is so dark." I don't know who on earth could think that was a problem. Extra shading in California's Central Valley? It is a benefit, not a detriment. We have a bathroom window--no more relying on fans and living with a bathroom that just doesn't quite stay fresh. Because this building is only one apartment deep, we have windows on the front and back of it. The apartment we'd been in for eight years previous had three windows, all on the same side of the apartment. We didn't get much air circulation because of the windows all facing the same direction. Here, we have the living room window facing west, the bathroom window and one bedroom window facing north, and the kitchen window and second bedroom window facing east. As I sit here now in my rocker, I have four of the five windows open. The apartment is pleasantly cool and I can feel the movement of air as it circulates. All this wonderful fresh air just because I happened to ask about a bathroom window, and had the time to chat with the apartment manager.

The apartment manager's name is Liz; she is becoming a good friend. When things look better here, I'd like to invite her over to watch a movie or something. She lives next to us--the building makes a right turn and her apartment is past ours on the shorter side of the L, with the utility room and hot water heater room between us. She lives there with her husband. One of their daughters lives in another apartment here with her husband, also a very nice couple.

Another bit of serendipity here is that the parking lot for our little eight-unit building has a big tree in an inconvenient place. This tree is in one of the parking spaces, necessitating that that space be several feet wider than the others. The tree is at the upper end of the parking space and makes it impossible to park a larger car there, as bigger cars or trucks would not have enough space between the tree and the brick planter on the other side of the space to pull forward all the way. But, if you have a short little car like I do, one that is about as narrow as ordinary cars can get, the space is perfect and provides wheelchair accessibility. I pull my little car up in the skinny space between the tree and the planter. The tree is then right next to the hood of the car. Between the passenger door and the next parking space is about four feet of space, giving just exactly enough room to allow KidThree to pull up in her wheelchair and get in the car. If the tree weren't there, we wouldn't that extra width and if my car weren't so small, we couldn't fit in this space. It worked out just right for our particular needs.

Another thing that looked problematic at first but also turned out to be a blessing in disguise was the kitchen. The room itself is about twelve by twelve feet, quite large for an apartment kitchen, but it only had a counter and cabinets along the back wall. One wall had a closet and the refrigerator, and the other wall was empty. Nothing there. Not a counter, not a cabinet, not an appliance. It looked as though a work crew had started installing a kitchen, then gone out for lunch and never returned to finish the job. That blank wall, and the large room size, turned out to be very useful in making an accessible kitchen. Because there was nothing there, I didn't have to try to adjust existing things but instead had the freedom to try to put in different things to see how to best use that space so that KidThree had reasonable access to kitchen functions. It took a lot of trial and error, but now along that long empty wall there is an open cabinet for my big pots, a small cabinet with drawers that has the microwave and toaster ovens above it, and a set of very shallow shelves (only 8" deep) that are six feet tall and almost four feet wide. There is only a card table in there now. I have another table picked out that is going to have wheels on it, so KidThree can move it around to give herself access to everything. The shallow shelves are so nothing can be lost in the back, where KidThree couldn't see it or access it. These shallow shelves allow her to see and reach everything, either on her own or with one of her grabbers. She can wheel right up to the microwave and toaster ovens; the drawers on the low cabinet beneath them hold all of the kitchen utensil odds and ends, including the dishes and pans for the ovens. I pulled the cabinet doors off the cabinets below the one built-in counter. On the top shelf there, I put in plastic bins to act as 'drawers' and hold small things like little Tupperware; on the bottom shelf, I have open-face plastic bins that hold larger items. KidThree can't reach the cabinets above the counter or the cleaning supplies on top of the refrigerator, but given that I couldn't structurally modify the kitchen and that my funds are so low, it is a pretty good arrangement.

The bedrooms here are good-sized, too. KidThree has the larger one. It is fourteen by sixteen feet, enormous for an apartment in this area. It is not as accessible as it could be, because KidFour's bed and bureau are in there, but those will be gone in another week. KidOne and I will move the furniture around then to give KidThree full access to all of her things, including the built-in desk and the closet. She is looking forward to that. My bedroom is twelve by fourteen feet, giving me room enough to keep all my books and yarn in there, freeing up space in the living room that otherwise would be taken up with bookcases.

This is a good place for us to live. Friendly management, fresh air, accessible parking, and a window in the bathroom. I hope we can stay here as long as we remain in this town.

A

Peace Is a Beautiful Thing.

No church yesterday, but that was okay. KidFour's father came up that early, so I stayed to be here to say hello. It was a little surreal--KidThree was cheerful and friendly and on her best behavior. I almost prefer the outright hostility because that is something I can trust.

KidThree spent the night at her grandmother's and KidOne spent the night at her boyfriend's, so I had the apartment to myself. I stayed up 'til eleven to watch an SVU marathon, then went to bed. Sleep, blessed sleep, until 7:30! Then I went right back to sleep for another hour. Now up having my coffee and watching a CSI marathon. There are dishes and laundry waiting, but who cares--I can do those when kids are around. Right Now is for me.

KidOne has promised me some time in the next day or two to help me assemble the new bed for the living room. When that is done, I'll do the modifications of the tv table to get that finished. That will be a relief. The next project will be KidThree's room. Some of her things are in my room because hers was crowded with the extra furniture for KidFour. That furniture will go away in about ten days. I've told KidFour she can take it with her if she needs it, otherwise, I'll put it on craigslist. The things aren't worth very much, they just need to be gone, so I'll put them on there for free. I've done that before--it works beautifully. Things are spoken for within five minutes of posting, and picked up within a day.

Nothing more to say for now; things are so quiet here I want to just enjoy it. The second cup of coffee is ready and I'll work on my crocheting.

A

No Right of Return.

KidFour gets picked up this morning by her father. She spent most of yesterday packing up her belongings to a soundtrack of bangs and slams and crashes. She is due to return Monday evening. Tuesday she can go see her teacher at Independent Study. Wednesday she will go to her boyfriend's for a five-day spell to celebrate his high school graduation. She can return the following Sunday evening, as that Monday she has another appt with the psychologist and Tuesday is her meeting with her teacher. After that, she goes for good to her father's house. The poor stupid self-obsessed, self-absorbed, self-centered, self-destructive teenager.

Good things have come of the strife of the past few months and the ugliness of the past several weeks. KidThree has had an incredible opportunity to put into practice the coping skills she's learned in therapy over the past couple of years, and has even worked hard to try to share those lessons and skills with KidFour. That demonstrates such a marvelous, hard-fought development in maturity for KidThree. If that were the only good to come of all of this, it would have been worth it. Another positive outcome is that KidFour is now talking about trying for some kind of reconciliation with her father. He deserves that. His parenting hasn't been ideal and he is as flawed a human as the rest of us, but also like the rest of us he loves his daughter desperately and has tried as best he could to help her. KidFour's mother has also extended a sort of olive branch, telling me that KidFour was welcome to try again to live with her, if she wanted. KidFour will probably not take her mother up on that, but who knows? She might. She does miss the formerly close relationship she and her mother had. And for the mother to make the offer at all was a huge step for her.

As for me, I can't wait to get this little apartment back to the way it was pre-influx of extra bodies. KidOne hardly counts: she is grown, self-care, and not around all day. And, she does her part around the place as a matter of course and shares a room with me, not with KidThree. KidThree needs her sanctuary back. Me being me, I naturally have it all rearranged and redecorated in my head so that it is as accessible as can be to KidThree. I can't wait to get started on that project. KidOne will be around more once KidFour is gone; she has been staying at her boyfriend's a lot because of the unpleasantness around here.

KidTwo called several times this past week; she's been filling out paperwork for a job application and didn't remember certain dates or addresses or time frames. It was good to hear her voice. She maintains a 'livejournal' online, which I love to read and in which I can hear her voice so clearly, but to have her actual voice in my ear was even better. I love to hear that she is happy and enjoying her new life. Right now she is in a country that neighbors the one she has moved to. A new friend, whose father works with her father, routinely makes a certain trip and this time KidTwo went with her. I haven't had any panicky calls from KidTwo's father, so am assuming that KidTwo is alive and well somewhere in this hemisphere (she had warned me that there would be minimal to no communication possible on the trip). She had better be okay.

This morning I may actually make it to church. Services start at nine. According to their website, the church has a table in the entryway staffed by congregants specifically to welcome visitors and new members, so maybe I won't be entirely lost. Having been raised in one religion and only attending other religions' services for the occasional funeral, I have no experience with routine services from other groups and don't know what to expect. I'm looking for a welcome, for friendly, like-minded people, and for a forum from which to act and contribute. Fingers crossed. Of course if KidFour's father is going to come up right around that time, I will probably stay here to visit with him in person; church services will repeat next Sunday, I'm sure.

This afternoon I'm to babysit BabyJ for several hours so his parents can take in a matinee. That will be a nice break, and will earn me enough money so that I can go pay the auto insurance on Tuesday. After babysitting, I'm to take KidThree to the city so she can spend the night at her grandmother's house, visiting her grandmother and her sister and her niece. She usually also sees her bio-mother on these visits. They give me a little break from having to get up during the night, but I miss her when she goes and worry that the care is not all it ought to be. Too bad people don't come to order.

After today, I have three days free. During those three days, I hope to get the new bed for the living room assembled, and to have KidOne help me with finalizing the tv set-up in the corner. (That table needs the cabinets underneath it to be moved and then some legs strategically placed for additional support.) Once the bed in the living room is changed, the old frame will go in my room under my bed, enabling me to get things copacetic in there. KidThree's room will wait until after KidFour's 'visit' Monday through Wednesday of next week.

I'm looking for things to lighten up around here. Hope is such a good thing--where would we be without it?

A

Who Needs Congress To Declare War?

Got teenagers? They'll do it for you, and with considerably less hemming and hawing and gnashing of teeth.

Last night KidThree and KidFour had a long 'talk' (IM'ing). I got to read it. KidThree was trying to get things clear with KidFour, to get KidFour to see what she was doing to herself and her relations within the home. All KidFour could do was bemoan the fact that KidOne and I are not talking to her. Huh? I told her in person that I was ready any time she wanted to talk about all of this, and I've told her through email that we could 'talk' that way if it was more comfortable for her. I have done a lot for KidFour, but I can't hold a conversation with me doing the talking for both sides.

KidFour acknowledged that she was taking pictures of personal things yesterday; she justified it by saying that she took pictures of everything, that the pictures were just things she found interesting. What utter garbage. She was specifically told when joining the household that she was expected to maintain our privacy, especially as it pertained to personal care and adaptive equipment for KidThree. Honest to goodness, I do not know what to do. I really don't. This last violation of privacy is so extreme: it rates eviction. But can I, as the loving, responsible adult, kick KidFour out when she has only two or three more weeks of school, knowing it might cause her to lose credits? Is it worth that? But what about KidThree and her right to privacy, and me and my right to privacy, and the fact that the eviction would be caused by KidFour's deliberate actions, not just arbitrarily imposed by me?

I hate this. Absolutely hate it. I'm caught between two kids whom I love dearly, one of whom is flat out refusing to live according to house rules or to respect the rights of others in the house. I do not know what to do. There is no good solution. Whatever I do, a kid gets hurt.

In case it isn't clear, I am leaning towards not allowing KidFour to come back from her weekend with her father. It's about 70/30 at this point. When I come home from the senior center, I will talk to her the old-fashioned way--in person, with real words exchanged by real people in the same vicinity, using voices and ears. If that doesn't go well, KidFour won't get to come back. She can negotiate with her teachers on how she can complete the schoolwork through the mail and email. At that point, it would be on her head.

A

Let's Hear It for Direct Deposit!

I stopped at an atm to deposit my babysitting check from watching BabyJ this week and was surprised to see the acct had a positive balance when I knew darned well it was supposed to be negative. I printed out an account history (shows the last ten transactions) to figure it out and found that the IHSS check had gone in with direct deposit--oh joy! The acct was credited with that before the car payment went out, so the car payment didn't bounce. What a relief. I still have to go pay my car insurance because AAA doesn't have a 'check over the phone' option. Drat. I got two rolls of quarters at the grocery store and still didn't have enough to do all the laundry. Twenty dollars gone and still one load that didn't get washed.

Tomorrow is my day at the Senior Center. KidThree is going to go with me as a volunteer. We take care of seniors with cognitive impairments so their primary caregivers can get some time to themselves. It is a wonderful program and I always have a good time. We play games (bingo is a favorite), do puzzles, have lunch, do exercises, and take some of our clients to the Farmers' Market near the senior center. KidThree is very comfortable around seniors, having been primarily raised by her grandmother. KidFour is not comfortable with the elderly. It scares her to think of deteriorating mentally or physically, so she doesn't want to be around them. Hahaha--she is going to be there faster than she can think possible and then she is going to hope the young people in her life don't think she is repulsive.

In the home here, it is open warfare between KidThree and KidFour. KidFour posted some rude things on her myspace page, which KidThree resented on both a personal level and because the comments were disrespectful to me, and she was taking pictures of some personal things that she shouldn't have, probably to send to her boyfriend to mock our home here. This afternoon I asked KidFour to move some things that she had on the floor blocking access to the room (KidThree was about to come into the living room from her bedroom). She didn't move them, so a few minutes later I told her to stop what she was doing and move the items immediately. That got a rude response, then a very grudging picking up of the stuff, then a storming off to her room. Honest to goodness, one more thing and she doesn't get to return after she goes to her father's house for the weekend. It really is true, no good deed goes unpunished. I don't think I'll be taking in any more kids, related or not. I don't have the resources anymore, not the space or the money or the energy. KidThree is plenty for any mom. KidOne hardly counts, as she is grown and just using this home to sleep; otherwise she stays away as much as possible to avoid the strife.

What a pain in the neck. At least I could afford another jar of coffee this morning once I found there was money in the bank, as the morning's cups enptied the previous jar. So long as there is coffee in the cupboard, I'll manage. For three more weeks.

A

Still No Money, sigh. . . .

A paycheck is overdue several days (one from the state, not babysitting), so my car payment today is going to bounce, my car insurance expired yesterday, and there are still no quarters for laundry. Yesterday KidOne was able to give me ten dollars. I put four dollars in the gas tank (got 0.97 gallons), then went to the grocery store. We needed bread, milk, and eggs the most. I wanted to get bread, but the loaf was over $4.50 and that would not leave enough for even a quart of milk or any eggs. So, I bought the kids a half gallon of milk and a dozen eggs. (KidThree and KidFour drink 2% milk; KidOne and I drink skim.) Later, after picking up the mail in which my mother had sent $40 cash and then picking up KidFour from her appt, I bought some food and stopped at a gas station, where I told KidFour she could pick one treat. Imagine my utter rage when she brought TWO treats up to the counter, telling me she had a couple of dollars in her wallet and could buy the second treat herself. There I was in the morning, counting pennies and choosing to get her milk before mine (she is the big milk drinker of KidThree and KidFour), and she was hiding money. Ahh, the sweet self-centeredness of youth. Yessirree bob, I will have no problem at all sticking to my decision that she has to go.

Given the price of the bread, I will start baking my own again. It's been a few years, but I still remember how. When KidOne and KidTwo were small, I made most of our bread. KidTwo used to bargain away bread and butter and homemade cookies for other kids' fruit. She asked me once if it was okay. I explained that the cookies cost much less each than pieces of fruit, and that any time she could give away a nickel or dime and get a quarter or fifty cents in return, it was okay with me. And I made sure to stock her lunches with extra baked goods so she could get extra fruit. KidOne just gave away her baked goods, so I gave her extra just to make sure she got some herself. One of her friends had one of those mothers who wouldn't ever dream of giving her child any form of sugar; that little girl was supplied with goodies by me for years. KidOne would come home and say things like, "FriendC wondered if you felt like making gingersnaps any time soon," and I would obligingly make the next batch gingersnaps. Once I came home to find a note from KidOne on the counter; it read, "Mom, I didn't eat the last brownie; FriendC hopes you weren't saving it for anything."

Moms, please, don't be so extreme with your kids! They will only find a way around it, unless you're raising them on a fenced compound with like-minded people. Kids will find a way. Better to have some flexibility, allow some goodies that you have chosen yourself, and teach lessons about what is really harmful and why as opposed to what you should just limit the amount of. Of course I would never go against someone's religious beliefs or play games with food allergies, but if your healthy kid is going to be eating my kid's cookies every day, I am sending your kid her own cookies.

This morning I got up at four and then snoozed on the living room bed until a bit after five, when I got up for good. KidFour came out of her room, saying she couldn't sleep, and made herself comfortable on the bed out here. Drat Blast! I have been so spoiled, having my lovely peaceful morning hours to myself--having a kid awake was seriously intrusive.

Today I have an optometry appt. I haven't had eye care in years; my glasses are so old that I only use them to drive. I hope Medi-Cal will pay for whatever glasses I need now (almost certainly bifocals), as I sure don't have the money.

Other things to do today: get KidThree a doctor's appt for today, if possible; I think she has an infection. Call to get my prescription refilled. Take prescription for KidThree to pharmacy. Call the school re: KidFour and attendance. Get some cash from KidOne so I can get quarters and do some laundry.

Tomorrow I work from 9 to 4 and Sunday I babysit for several hours while BabyJ's parents take in a matinee. That will be nice. A little gas money, anyway.

KidFour is being picked up by her father Sunday morning, to stay there through Monday evening. She plans to talk to him then about my eviction notice. This morning I sent an email to her mother and him both, to alert them and get them working on finding another place for KidFour to be until she turns 18 in nine more months.

KidFour's situation is so blasted frustrating. She is old enough that the most intense self-centeredness should be abating, but hers isn't. Her mother suffers from the self-centeredness of a young teen and it looks like KidFour may be going that route, too. What a waste. If she doesn't get past her idea that the world owes her a living and that living should be up to the standards she thinks she deserves, she is never going to have a successful life. There just aren't people who will put up with that attitude and support her just for the fun of having her around. Even if she found a way to make it through college, her personal relationships will all be doomed from the outset. She has a serious boyfriend now, but that kid has goals and dreams and is working towards them; eventually KidFour's narcissism is going to come between them. Even if he were now to do the stupidly romantic thing and put his educational goals on hold to try to take care of KidFour, he would tire of that someday and she would be 'betrayed' once again. (Word choice there hers, from her myspace--she has been "betrayed by someone who was supposed to be there for her always.") What a crock. What a waste.

KidTwo just called. She is taking an eight-hour bus ride to Costa Rica from Nicaragua, this with a friend she's met there. The friend's father is an American working at the embassy and the friend has taken this trip many, many times, and KidTwo's daddy (who is muy protective) approves, so I guess it is okay. Barely. Told KidTwo that if bad people killed her along the way, she was to come back to haunt her friend's father. She promised. She will email me when she arrives at their destination. Hmmm. I admit, says the Mom who is usually so complacent about her globe-trotting offspring's travels, that this adventure makes me a little nervous. She better not get hurt. Or even frightened.

And now off to face my day. I'd rather hide from it. Where oh where is a Sugar Daddy when I need one? There must be some idiot out there who wouldn't mind a cranky wife with a cranky disabled teen; after all, I'm one heck of a cook and baker. Sigh. Now that the kids are grown enough that I have some time to myself, the sniffing around of the opposite sex has stopped. Drat. The last one interested was a disgusting drug-abusing alcoholic who didn't bathe nearly enough; I eventually had to complain up the chain of command to get him to leave me alone. Lonely I am, desperate I'm not.

A

Still Broke, but Made It Over the Hump.

I couldn't cash today's check at their bank because it is a credit union in SoCal. Blast. Tomorrow I should get enough from watching the AmazingA that the two checks together will get my account out of the red. Out of the red is a good place to be. I need quarters for the laundry!

KidFour remains very quiet. She will answer when directly addressed, but otherwise rather ostentatiously Is Not Speaking To Me. Tomorrow is her appt with the psychologist. I hope that helps her sort things out. Her appt starts half an hour before I return the AmazingA to her mother, so she and I can go spend a little while in the playground after we drop KidFour at the doctor's office.

Today KidThree and I went to a support group for SCI people. Last week was our first time; we only found out about it a week or so before that. Today there were four other SCI people there, all with varied causes of injury and degrees of damage. The loveliest person there was a man who was rendered a complete T10 at age 16; he has been in a chair now for fifty years. KidThree was thrilled to meet him--someone really could spend an entire life in a chair, and have it be a good life!! He is married, has children and grandchildren, and spent a full career as a school psychologist. What an incredible role model. We are going to be picking that lovely man's brain for years to come.

And now time to get some sleep before my day with the AmazingA.

A

Hump Day.

Yesterday I finally told KidFour her bad news. I put it off and put it off and put it off because I knew how horrible it was going to be, and it was that horrible. She had NOT seen it coming and was so hurt. She asked if she could come back in the fall to do another semester at Independent Study here and I stuck to my evil adult guns and said no. Then she ran out of the apartment, not returning until after I had left to babysit. When I returned, she was here, but isn't talking to me. Her myspace page says she is an orphan again.

The poor kid. So young and so intelligent and so stupid.

We have thirty-eight cents to our names. Oh, make that thirty-nine--I found a penny on the floor this morning next to my bed. We are almost out of milk and eggs, are out of laundry supplies, are on our last roll of tp. I should get a check around lunch today for $100. My checking account is overdrawn by that much, so if I put the money in there, it will be all swallowed up. I'll try to draw it on their bank instead. Tomorrow I take care of the AmazingA, for which I should be paid immediately, plus she owes me $25 from last week. That can go in the checking account to try to bring it at least closer to a positive balance. My mother said she was mailing $40. That will really help, as it will be cash, so no matter what the state of anyone's bank account I will be able to at least buy a few staples. I should get a check for $597 by Friday; that will cover the car payment, car insurance, and house phone. Next week I will earn only about $100 total, just enough for groceries but not enough for any bill.

Today I have to tell the parents of KidFour that I have maintained the eviction order I gave two weeks ago. This means neither of them will send $$ again; why send good money after bad?

I have to seriously get to work. Yesterday I started--got the children's corner cleared out and the room around the bed cleared so maybe today I can put the new bedframe together. Got to keep plugging away at the project, a little at a time.

And now to read the paper and finish my coffee before it is time to go watch BabyJ.

A

D-Day..

Today I get the lovely task of telling KidFour that she still doesn't get to stay past the end of the school year. I told her this initially a little over two weeks ago. After that exchange, she did try a little to be not so problematic. But, the changes were cosmetic, temporary in nature, and only around me; KidOne and KidThree still had to put up with the doom and gloom and self-pity and self-absorption; and KidFour was only able to keep her mind on cleaning up after herself for a day or two. This is an awful thing to have to do--tell a girl I've loved since before she was born that she can't stay here any longer, that I don't have the space or the financial or emotional resources she needs while she tries to get her head on straight. I don't think she HAS been trying to get her head on straight. It is easier to lie around blaming the parents and complaining how the world is so badly arranged and how stupid adults are in general. Oh but I hope this slap in the face (of being told she can't stay) wakes her up to the reality that the changes in her life have to come from her--she has to conceive them and put them into being. She will never be happy as long as she is waiting for someone else to adjust her world to fit what she thinks she needs.

But oh this is hard on the adult doing the slapping. If only I had more space so she could have her own room instead of contaminating the environment of KidThree (who has more than her share of troubles to deal with without KidFour's presence added in); if only I had more money so I could pay the rent and the bills and still be able to provide for KidFour; if only KidOne and KidThree weren't dealing with difficulties already; if only I hadn't found it necessary to leave the workforce, dropping our little family below the poverty level; if only KidFour's parents were mature enough and financially secure enough to send money to keep her from being such a financial drain up here. If, if, if. . . .

What a mess it is going to be for the next month.

A

Made It Through Monday,

mostly. A bit of it is still left. Today BabyJ's mother told me she is cutting down her work hours and will need me only one morning a week instead of two. That will make money a little tighter, as that is one-third of our spending/grocery money each week. That sure gives me extra incentive to keep plugging away at the appearance of this place to make parents comfortable with it. I'd like to be able to post another Craigslist ad next week, after a few more days to work around here. And money will be a little less tight when KidFour leaves, as she is quite costly to have around.

Sigh. . . .

I wish it weren't always about money, but really it always boils down to that. I was able to sell several things on eBay through a franchise but don't have much left that is of any value at all (except the Kids, and my understanding is that selling humans is still against the law, no matter how annoying those humans might be). There are the two cameras, a Nikon and a Rollei, but I want to keep those for KidThree. She loves taking pictures and I'd like to find a way to have her learn how to do more than just have fun with her camera phone. Maybe there will be something available through the University Extension. Note to self: check that out. I also have a set of books that is worth a fair bit, over $1,500 if I can trust other prices I've seen online, but I do so love those books and they are absolutely irreplaceable. Those don't go unless we will be homeless otherwise. So, nothing left to sell that would bring me any money.

The air conditioner here is not very good. It manages to take the edge off the extreme heat but that is about it. We certainly don't 'cool off.' We definitely will need more fans. Maybe in another week. My birthday is in about two more weeks--maybe someone will give me money. Probably the parents will send a little, but the two siblings I'm friendlier with are the broke ones; the other two don't share this way, not even when one of my kids gets shot and paralyzed or when I take in another kid who is related to all of us. (I've noticed that other times, too: for example, after KidThree had recovered a bit, she was down quite a bit of weight. Getting shot in the stomach will do that for you. I sent out a request to siblings and and several family friends, asking for donations of clothes/pajamas/lingerie because I couldn't afford to replace an entire wardrobe at once, and KidThree had almost nothing that both fit and was suitable for her new existence. The only two who responded were the two with the lowest incomes. One hit her local thrift shop and the other managed a pair of brand-new, brand-name pajamas.

Okay, I'm bitching again. Sorry. Now I have to go prepare some freshly baked goods for KidThree and KidFour. Yes, I bake to order. One of the main reasons they all put up with my occasional crankiness and bouts of self-pity.

More later.

A

Monday, Monday. . . .

Made it through another week, so the calendar is whacking me again with a new one. All the laundry is done and all the dishes are done. That feels good. The hot temperatures are mostly gone--yesterday it didn't quite make 100 degrees and by Wednesday it will be back to the low eighties. What a relief. This morning when I opened everything up at 4:20, it was blessedly cool outside and now, an hour later, it feels wonderful inside as well.

This morning I babysit BabyJ from 7:30 to 12:30. He is a lovely child, so cheery and inquisitive. I watch him Monday and Wednesday mornings. Thursday morning is the AmazingA. Both those children I watch in their homes. BabyJ is still being nursed and both his parents work from home and enjoy seeing him throughout their day, and the AmazingA's parents are not comfortable with my set-up here. I would love to watch her every single day and am so sorry that I can't. But, got to be home with KidThree most of the time. My secret hope is that I can get this place to a point where the AmazingA's parents will let me watch her (and her older sister, after school hours) here. That is a large part of my incentive for being so focused on the state of this apartment.

So what are today's goals? I think to clear up the living room floor space along the wall opposite the bed. There is a lot of miscellaneous crap down there that should be sorted and tossed or put away. I'll also try to get the playpen put away--it is collapsible, so that should not be much of a chore. If I can get those two things done, I can assign KidFour or KidOne to sweep the carpet in here to try to get it less grubby. KidTwo killed my old vacuum a little while back, so I had been borrowing KidOne's, which she then brought with her when she came to stay. Unfortunately, it has had some sort of breakdown and is not now working. Maybe we can get it to the shop around the end of the week. We sure need a functioning vacuum, given the number of occupants of this apartment and the accompanying manes of hair.

I don't think I'll have enough energy after all that to try to assemble the new bedframe but I might try, depending on who is home and what the weather is and how quickly the floor-clearing can be accomplished.

Kid-related chores for the day: Contact KidFour's teachers to find out her status in their classes. I think she has no chance of passing her two classes at the regular school and will disenroll her if those teachers verify that. She may be passing her Independent Study. I will be waiting for a callback from KidThree's doctor re: our additional questions and requests for referrals to two other specialists.

KidFour has her first appt with a psychologist late this week. It seems almost pointless now that I've decided she just cannot stay past the end of the school year, but maybe it can help her a little with yet another rejection and transition. I will tell her probably tomorrow (since I'll be home all day) so she can know in time to process the situation and talk to the psychologist about it. Drat her blasted parents for not giving me the paperwork I needed to get her health care sooner!

And that is it for this morning's update.

A

Eight Hours Sleep!

All in one lovely, unbroken row. How good that feels. KidThree spent the night with family, so I didn't need to get up to help her. I had the sleeping thing down so well I slept through my alarm this morning. So much for getting up and finishing the laundry! (There are at least four loads to go.) I need to fold everything from yesterday, wash dishes, and continue working on the living room.

Yesterday KidOne and I got the tv set-up done. It still needs a little work--I forgot two support legs and now don't have the ten dollars to go get them--but the tv is on it and looks fine. There is also room for the laptop to live; it will be good to get it over there with the rest of the wires and cords and plugs. Consolidation is a good thing.

The temperature today is supposed to be only ninety-five degrees. Still too hot, but not as bad as the last several days.

I was going to go to church today. Not sure now--I've only had one cup of coffee and there is just so much housework to do. I was raised Catholic but stopped believing those teachings well before my confirmation. I read extensively on Islam, Judaism, Zoroastrianism, and Mormonism, but wasn't able to bring myself to believe in any of those fundamental teachings, either. I did love the good that was at the heart of each of those faiths, but the religious teachings I just could not swallow, however much I longed for faith and that sense of community. Over the years I've gotten comfortable with my lack of faith, but I do miss that sense of community still. There is a Humanist group in the nearby city, but I can't afford the travel back and forth. So what to do? I decided to try out the Unitarian Universalist congregation here in town. Their website says all are welcome and their focus is like mine--do good for people and for the planet--so I thought it might be a good fit. They even dress casually (photos on the website confirm that their level of casual is near my level of casual). This is important because my wardrobe is not extensive, to say the least. Hmmm. Services start in ninety minutes. Do I try? One cup of coffee in me, no shower yet, thyroid medicine taken only thirty minutes ago so I can't eat for another thirty minutes, and all this work to be done. And then KidThree needing a ride home at some point and KidFour needing a ride halfway home later than that (we meet halfway). No church for me today. There is just too much to do here. I will go next time.

Now off to wash the dishes soaking in the sink, and then to get the pots and pans washed that are sitting on the stove right now. And a second cup of coffee to fix. Then I'll put in a movie and fold and put away laundry, and clean the living room as best I can. I WILL get control of my environment, I will, I WILL. . . .

A

If It's Saturday, I Must Be Doing Laundry.

The first five loads are in various stages, with the next two loads ready to go and more loads that need to be sorted. What fun. I do miss having a washer/dryer in my home. At least we have a laundry room that is clean and close by, and doing laundry four loads at a time does get through it quickly. Laundry piles up quickly with four bodies in the apartment.

Yesterday I did get to IKEA to get the set-up for the tv corner and the new bedframe. I ran into a small snag, however. I was going to buy these 'table legs' that were set up to hold computer towers and use them instead for board games, but when I checked them out in the store, I found that the internal measurements were much smaller than I'd guessed from the picture on the computer screen (the computer listing only gives the external measurements). I texted KidFour to get the measurements of a board game box, but she is lazy and not practical by nature and so was entirely confused by the request. Fortunately for me, KidOne had gotten home while I was gone and was able to get the measurement for me. The computer tower space was an inch too narrow for what I needed. Drat. But, there was another option--a 'table leg' that was a small cabinet with a door--this one had an internal width that was more than enough, so I bought two of those instead of two of the others. Last night KidOne and I assembled one of those; it looks like they will work just fine. My goal for today is to get the entire tv table set-up put together: the second cabinet assembled, them both put into place, the table set on top of them, and then the tv and its ancillary components put into place on that. Assembling the new bedframe will probably wait until tomorrow.

At IKEA I found a very small loveseat that will go perfectly in my children's corner. Small, low to the ground, reasonably comfortable for me (meaning I could sit on it with a child but would not choose to sit on it otherwise), and not unattractive (so much of IKEA's furniture is just WEIRD). It was only $149. I think I can get one in two weeks: then the children's corner will be mostly done.

I may also be able to get my china plates hung up today. When I went to the hardware store a couple of blocks away to get plate racks, they only had the small and the large sizes. So, my small plate and my platter are hung up, but the five medium-sized plates are still waiting. The clerk told me the hangers should be in late Thursday and I should come by Friday. Of course I stopped by Thursday evening when I was passing and the hangers were not yet up on the wall. If I remember, I'll stop by today to check again. The plates will hang on the room divider between the kitchen and living room, on the kitchen side. Just pretty things for me to look at.

If I do get to the hardware store, I will try to remember to bring along the curtain rod brackets and a small key rack I have. Both items (or all three, since there are two brackets) are missing their screws (lost them in the most recent move). Those shouldn't cost more than a couple of dollars total and so are within my price range for today.

The living room is about twelve by seventeen feet. The kitchen is straight off the end of it opposite the wall with the front door and front window, and the bedrooms and bathroom are off to the left by end where the kitchen is. Along the long wall, there will be the tv table on the end with the front door and window, then the bed with its long side to the wall, and then the children's corner at the end by the kitchen. Eventually there will be a large curtain (probably a cloth bathtub curtain) hanging between the children's corner and the kitchen. On the shorter side of the living room wall will be a loveseat with a small end table on each side of it and maybe one of my recliners past that. That will leave a path right down the middle for KidThree to negotiate with her wheelchair.

I have numerous prints to get framed and hung up in the living room. I am a bibliophile, as are my kids, so all the prints pertain to reading. They vary in size from greeting cards to a couple of feet in diameter. The pictures range from cartoon figures that are somehow associated with books or that have books or reading in the pictures to historical figures shown reading. It will cost several hundred dollars to get them all framed. Those will have to be done a couple at a time. Today I am taking KidThree to spend the day at her grandmother's for her grandmother's birthday party. After that I will be on my own here at home, as KidFour is off at her boyfriend's for the weekend and KidOne is working. Maybe I will be able to be focused enough to sort all my prints--get them put in a sensible order for framing so that as I have a few dollars here and there, I can just take the next couple of prints from the pile and get them framed.

Can you tell that I obsess a bit about my living situation? Back in the dark ages when I was married, the house was arranged to his taste. I could modify things a little bit, but only against the backdrop of his colors and furniture and other such choices. After the divorce, money was so scarce that all I could do was to live at subsistence level, furnishing with cast-offs and thrift store items and the occasional lucky find at a store. There was no decorating, no color schemes, no personal touches. NOW I can finally do those things, albeit a very little bit at a time. KidOne is largely self-supporting, KidTwo is off in another country living with their father, KidThree and I can manage pretty well together, and KidFour is on her way out in another month. (Let me tell you, that will be an economic relief. I get very little financial support from KidFour's parents and she is a very high-maintenance child with absolutely no sense of self-sacrifice or sharing of the burden of poverty. I give in to her more than I should on things I really can't afford, just to keep things copacetic under this impoverished roof.)

I sit in my rocker (wonderfully comfortable but in sad need of reupholstering) or in one of the recliners (both torn up by cats and a problem size for this room) and dream about what everything will look like when it is all finished. In my mind's eye, I can see it all: the bright pretty curtain at the window, the new bed with brightly colored bedding, the children's corner all bright and friendly and welcoming with all the children's books (hundreds and hundreds of them) accessible to even the smallest of readers, the tv set-up so practical and functional with all the games accessible to those old enough to play them, the one wall lined with comfortable new furniture suitable for adults and chosen specifically for my tastes, a bright curtain forming a 'wall' on the one end of the room, and colorful prints in pleasing arrangements on the walls. (Not to mention the carpet is as clean as professional carpet cleaners can get it!)

My childhood home was frequently fraught with tension and the furnishings were usually chosen for practicality and affordability. I first shared a room with all my sisters, then shared with one sister only. I would dream of having a space of my own that was pretty and cosy and safe. My favorite book was 'The Wind in the Willows,' my favorite characters in it were Mole and Badger. I loved their homes, especially Mole's. It was small and cunning and had places for everything and an overall air of peace and welcome. That is what I've wanted for myself all of my life, and now I am in a position to get it. It will probably take until the end of this calendar year or beyond, but that is okay. I've waited so long already. I just look at the very small things I've accomplished so far, such as hanging my china platter up in the kitchen, and I'm satisfied that I'm on my way to achieving that goal of a home like Mole's--small and cunning and with places for everything and that overall atmosphere of peace and welcome. (The attraction of Badger's home was its remoteness, as well as the utter peace. I don't need or want the remoteness here, I just liked it in the book.)

We've lived in this apartment for seven-plus months now. The longer we're here, the more satisfied I am with it. The location is right where I've wanted to live since moving to this town seventeen years ago and most of the peculiarities of the apartment have turned out to be beneficial for us with our specific needs for flexibility and accessibility. It is so restful for my soul to be here and to know that we can stay here and that I can make it into the sort of home I've wanted for so very long.

A

Population Control.

KidFour moved in almost five months ago. When she arrived, I told her she needed to meet certain expectations in order to be able to stay. This was because our financial situation was so dire; because she would be sharing a room with KidThree, who needed her room maintained in a certain way in order to maneuver around in her wheelchair; and because I already had more than enough on my plate. She agreed to all, saying she understood the necessity and would be so happy to help, wanted to get a job, etc.

It was all total baloney.

KidFour didn't do a thing. Didn't do housework, including the particular chore she claimed to love doing. Didn't maintain her part of the shared bedroom. Didn't do chores when specifically asked to. Didn't go to school regularly. Would get job applications when pressured, but would not return them to the businesses.

I gave it four months, then told her that it wasn't working here and she would have to leave at the end of the school year. Her eyes got big; she stared into space for a bit; then went into her room. After a bit I sent her a text message. She responded, then after a couple of text exchanges asked what I expected of her. I replied that I expected her to do what she had promised, to contribute, to get a job.

Her attitude appeared to change after that, but I was hesitant to believe it was a real change. It has become apparent that the change was not real. This evening KidFour has gone to her boyfriend's home for the weekend, which has seriously reduced the amount of tension in the home here. Good to have a break.

KidFour is going to have to go at the end of the school year (four weeks away). She may or may not be attending school; I have to find out next week. I need to talk to the specific teachers to get that information.

This is going to be so hard to do. KidFour is a relation and I've loved her all her life. She didn't really have permission to move in--it was supposed to be a few days' visit--but I welcomed her anyway. I hate that it hasn't worked out. Just hate it. I don't want to be the big bad relative, but I have priorities. KidThree comes first. Sorry, KidFour.

Oh I am not looking forward to that. Blast. I don't know where she will go. Her grandmother? Her mother doesn't want her back. Her father doesn't want her back. I'll take her back to her father's home and let him deal with her. Oh My.

A

TGIF IN SPADES

I promise--no maudlin self-pity this morning, or any other kind of self-pity, for that matter. My own fault for opening my home to troubled teens--I know perfectly well they don't fight fair.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE CALIFORNIA STATE SUPREME COURT! Gay marriage legalized in California, at least in thirty days. Or twenty-nine, since the ruling was yesterday. It's about time. Discrimination is not okay. Civil Rights for everyone. The heck with 'domestic partnerships.' If people love, they have the right to stand up in public and pledge to each other. YIPPEE! I think in twenty-nine days the kids and I will go down to the licensing office to hand out cookies to all applicants, gay and straight. Our way of celebrating the joy and rightness of love and commitment.

Today is going to be a difficult day. The building here is being renovated, specifically, the upstairs walkway is getting support posts installed. This entailed jackhammering up the walkway downstairs, where we live. The workmen were lovely to us--the manager had told them that KidThree was a wheelchair user living back in this corner, so they were prepared. They fixed up temporary ramps for us and the first time we used them, were standing by to carry KidThree to the car if the makeshift ramps were not adequate (they were). But, there isn't a whole lot they can do about wet concrete, which is what is on the schedule for today. We will be trapped in the apartment for a few hours while it dries. It is going to be 100 degrees again, so all in all a yucky day logistically. I've already called the pertinent school to say we were trapped inside and so KidThree would have to miss school today. I have to call KidFour's school, too, but will do that call later.

KidOne told me yesterday that she doesn't have her car payment, which was due yesterday. Damn damn damn. She is working to pay off bills because she got way over her head financially, and she sent all her money the past several weeks to another bill. Why the hell did she do that? She knew the car payment was due and she knew her grandfather's name was on the loan. Why prioritize the other bill? Oh well, too late now. I am going to make that payment for her and she will pay me back the sixth of next month. hahahaha.

On the plus side, I am going shopping. IKEA. I'm going to get the most important two things I need to make the living room look like a place people would want to leave their children. The set-up for the tv corner, which will cost $130 total, and the bed frame.

We have a bed in the living room that I thought would be the right height for easy transfers to and from the wheelchair, but the mattress I bought for it was thicker than expected and so the bed is about three to four inches higher than what is optimal. I can get another bedframe at IKEA for only $100 that should put the bed at the right level, leaving this frame free to go in my bedroom, where my futon is directly on the floor. This move gives the living room a bedframe that will match the rest of the furniture (white) and gets my futon off the bedroom floor, freeing up considerable storage space underneath it. That storage space will enable me to get the playpen put under there, and may help me clear some of the bookshelves my room that have junk other than books on them.

Getting the right table/storage set-up for the tv corner will give me space for our twenty or so boardgames, which for now are scattered hither and yon and contributing to the overall look of clutter and disorganization. It will give a table for the tv and dvd player, etc. (The tv will be on a table instead of in a cabinet or something because it is right where the air conditioner is, and we can't block that.) The table chosen will sit right over the air conditioner, leaving it freely open to the room and lifting the tv and its accessories out of the way of cool air. This set-up will also be white. The living room window is right over the air conditioner, behind the tv. That window will get a bright curtain of fabric striped in primary colors. That curtain will go a long way towards making the room look friendly and lively.

(Yes, I know white does not seem sensible for a room planned for children. It is only for the bedframe, bookshelves, and tv table. Not for anything carpet-ish or upholstered. Just a backdrop on those items that are washable, to provide a clean contrast with the primary colors I want everywhere else.)

These changes may also end up freeing enough floor space in my room for a recliner or my rocker. Right now there isn't a square foot of floor space unaccounted for, and certainly nowhere to put a chair. The room is good-sized but holds KidOne's queen-sized bed and my futon. Getting my futon off the floor may get most of the rest of the clutter a place to go (under my bed), freeing up a few square feet of floor space. That would be lovely. I would have a place to go that is kid-free and they could have the living room and tv without a mama who really, honestly, truly hates the trash they watch on that tv.

Right now, pizza sauce is underway on the stove and a tri-tip is in the crockpot. The pizza sauce is for the freezer so we can have homemade pizza whenever we like. The tri-tip is sort of an experiment. For several years, our most wonderful market here in town barbecued meat twice a week--Monday was pork and Thursday was tri-tip. Huge barbecues--the sort that look like they could cook an entire herd of cows. Well, one day one of the employees got burned doing something dumb with the hot barbecue, so the market's insurance company made them stop the barbecues. Woe was us. After that, the market started packaging tri-tips in their special marinade (pepper burgundy) for people to do the cooking themselves. We obviously can't barbecue today. Too hot, and our little smokey joe is over there by the tv because of the concrete work in progress. Hence, the crockpot. It won't be quite the same, but we can see if this is an acceptable substitute for those times we want the tri-tip but can't or don't want to barbecue. I bought the smallest one they had, so not too much money lost if we don't like the way it turns out.

I'll do the IKEA shopping later today, after the concrete is dry. Busy weekend ahead. Let's see if these changes can be finished this weekend. I will hope.

A

The Wheels Are Turning but I'm Going NOWHERE.

Today was one of those days where I wonder why I got out of bed. It started out so well, too! I got up at four to take care of KidThree and stayed up, doing the dishes, some housework, etc. That is my favorite time of day, between four and eight: no children are up, everything is quiet, the peace is all for me. I can have coffee and candy, check the internet, read the paper, do the odd jobs to get the kitchen ready for the day. Then off to babysit, from eight til two, with my favorite child of all; watching her is a joy. Every minute of it, and today was the best day I spent with her ever. A lovely, lovely, lovely morning and early part of the afternoon.

Got some of the phone calls done. KidFour now has an appt with a therapist, KidThree has a follow-up appt scheduled with her new provider, KidFour has a new six-month supply of contact lenses, I have an appt for an eye exam, and a lovely woman at the clinic is tracking down the needed medical supplies for KidThree.

Then home to KidThree and KidFour. Watched some tv with them, had some coffee, then went to the post office to look for money, went to the credit union to deposit the money that actually did show up, then off to Subway to get the kids some sandwiches for dinner (over 100 degrees outside, way too hot to cook, no matter how much KidThree wanted homemade pizza).

Came home from that. Told KidFour I wanted her to do a chore, KidThree got miffed at having KidFour touch some of her things (to put them away), I tried to ignore the snit and not get engaged, but KidThree kept after it and decided she didn't want to do this, she didn't want to do that, she didn't want to go to an event we had planned to go to. Much better to sit home and sulk.

What really got me was the accusation again that I am never home. I work less then twenty hours a week babysitting in clients' homes because this home here is not acceptable to clients (and I don't blame them one little bit). I don't have the money to buy the things needed to make it acceptable, no one helps me with the housework to try to make the existing situation as good as it can be, if I don't babysit we don't have grocery money, but I get bitched at for never being here.

Yes, I love these kids. I love taking care of them. I know they are immature; I know they don't see past their own noses; I know they each have some pretty serious emotional issues. Most of the time I can manage to deal with it, but today it was harder to brush off the "you're never here" accusation.

Oh my I hope, I hope that Tomorrow Is A Better Day.

A

But I HATE Using the Telephone!!

Okay, I admit it, I haven't got the phone calls made yet. I hate using the phone. Just hate it. Can't stand it at all. Just Do Not Like It. I will avoid making phone calls like nobody's business. One of my cousins also hates to use the phone, so she is of course my favorite person to talk to on it. She calls up, asks, "is it a good time for whatever," I answer, "yes," she says, "I'll be right over." That is a conversation for us. Information requested, received, and acted upon. No idle chitchat for us.

Alright, my mother is exempt from my telephone-hating. I do LOVE to talk to my mother on the phone. But that is because she is my mother, and she rates, and her conversations are so much fun and all about people I know and mostly like or love, and because SHE IS MY MOTHER.

Today I will try to get those darned calls made. After my morning babysitting the Amazing A. I did talk to our Victim Advocate yesterday, but that was because she called me. The trial is continued yet again, this time until July. This is the fourth continuation. Drat blast it all--KidThree had gotten herself all psyched up emotionally to testify and the rug is pulled out from under her AGAIN. She and her alleged assailants may be old enough for retirement by the time our justice system gets around to an actual trial with actual testimony. Poor KidThree. I so hate to see her on this damned rollercoaster--I want the trial over with! She needs closure!! The shooting was fifteen months ago. She has wrapped her head around the reality of being paraplegic and she needs the trial to be over and done with so she can leave that part of her life behind and get busy focusing solely on the wheel-y life in front of her.

We have an ongoing issue with KidFour: she can be a little sneaky about money. KidFour joined the household a little while back and was not raised, in her previous life, with the 'all for one and one for all' attitude that we (at our economic level) need to live by. I can be bemoaning the lack of rent money while she is sitting on a wad of cash (okay, a very small wad in comparison to the rent) and she won't say a thing. Right now her contacts are in at the optometrists and I didn't want to pay for all of them, but had to figure out a way to find out what money she could contribute. My eventual solution was this: I decided how much I could contribute, then told her, "I can give you this much money towards your contacts--if you have the rest on your own, you can go pick them up tomorrow." She nodded, so I know she has at least that much in her stash. That works. If she didn't, she could have said so and we could have come to some other arrangement (the trick was to not let her know that).

Yesterday KidThree and I went to a support group for people with spinal cord injuries (SCI). We recently switched healthcare providers because of a change in coverage and learned about this group just last week at our first thorough appt with the new providers. The group was lovely. KidThree has some serious trust issues stemming from her previous life in a very, very difficult and hostile environment, but we had previously gone to group therapy for teens with anger management issues; there she learned that it was safe to talk in protected settings. Yesterday at the group she opened up right away and talked freely with the few attendees. What a marvelous change from several years back when we started the other group therapy and she just glared at everyone for several weeks, eventually progressing to grunting and after a long while actually getting to where she could participate comfortably. Seeing evidence of progress like that is what keeps me going in this peculiar world of parent/not-parent. (KidFour is also making progress, which is why I put up with the 'it's my money,' issue. One thing at a time, and that is not the focus right now.)

After that session, we headed over to KidThree's grandmother's house for a visit. KidThree's older sister also lives there with her new baby and her babydaddy. KidThree's bio-mother came by for a visit while we were there. I spent a wonderful couple of hours in visiting with the grandmother and holding the baby (age 3 1/2 months) while KidThree visited with her mother and sister out in front. Grandma was in bed, so while we chit-chatted I sat in her wheelchair and wheeled back and forth gently while BabyGirl slept on my shoulder. It was so nice to have that baby-damp shoulder again, and equally nice to give the baby back at the end of the visit.

We are on the second day of our first really hot spell in this apartment. We don't have central air here, only an air conditioner in the living room. The a/c does a fairly good job in the living room/kitchen, but it doesn't get to the bedrooms. We have a couple of fans but are going to need more. Maybe this afternoon I can go buy a couple. We had to give up several amenities to get accessibility--I miss the washer/dryer in the apartment, occasionally miss the dishwasher, and am SERIOUSLY going to miss the central air. Oh well. KidThree can get into this apartment and that is all that really counts. Other people manage to live without central air--we can too.

Other things to get done today: buy some hangers and take some of KidTwo's things to the storage space. (When KidOne needed to move in a little while back to manage with the harsher economic reality while in college, she put most of her household things into storage. Then when KidTwo packed up and left the area recently but had to leave some things behind because she couldn't afford to ship them immediately but wanted to keep them, there was KidOne's handy-dandy storage space to use.) The need for hangers is because KidOne's stuff came without them; hers are all in storage. We used to have lots of extra hangers, but now we have lots of extra clothes.

The next major project will be to get the living room kid-friendly. I am babysitting to earn money but since the living room is unfortunately not kid-friendly, I have to babysit in clients' homes, which largely defeats the purpose of leaving the workforce to care for KidThree. I had thought things would be squared away by this time, seven months after the move here, but two months after The Move KidFour moved in, bag and baggage. After getting her things and her situated, KidOne moved in. That took a little less work re: accomodation as so much of her stuff went into storage, but it still took some weeks to get things sorted out. Then KidTwo had an unexpected but marvelous opportunity land in her lap, so she moved out of the country with all of a month's notice. Time was so short for her that we all had to do some helping and she wasn't able to get the last few things in her apartment taken care of, so Mom to the rescue to bring them here, sort them out, wash the things that needed it, and get everything packed and stored until shipping funds became available. With the trip to the storage space that I may make today (but probably won't, as it will be over 100 degrees), the living room will finally again be clear of the detritus of young people's life changes. Then Mom can get to work. I need about $750 worth of things from IKEA to get it organized and kid-friendly. Bright colors, games and books accessible, and no random stacks of moving boxes or baskets overflowing with clothes/bedding/household goods to frighten off prospective clients. The carpet also needs a good cleaning. The various moves and such have been hard on it. I want to get that all done within the next month so I can try to find a child or two to watch over the summer, but am not sure if the funds will be available. I can only hope.

Right now off to wash the dishes that have been soaking for the last little while, then to shower and take care of KidThree for a bit. Got to do dishes before showering, as that corner of the kitchen gets a bit hot when dishwashing in the heat. (That is one of the places I definitely need to put a fan. A big fan.) Then off for six hours of caring for the Amazing A, who really is my favorite child to care for.

A

Made It to Tuesday.

Now I see how Weight Watchers and such works. Yesterday, because I had posted my goals for the day, I made sure each of them got accomplished. The chest of drawers went to the thrift shop; the print in the kitchen was re-hung; and the schoolbooks were returned to their respective schools. What's more, I put the two under-bed storage boxes snagged from KidTwo's move under the bed in the living room, and filled them with the stuff that had been living under there all higgly-piggly.

So what should today's goals be? Phone calls! I have to call KidThree's doctor to ask a question that we forgot at our visit last week; to call KidFour's doctor to find out the results from Friday morning's blood tests; to call for a dentist appt for myself about the tooth I broke a week ago; and to call the appropriate state department re: medical supplies for KidThree (supposedly ordered last week). There is also the usual: laundry, dishes, etc. And I'll call our Victim Advocate to find out how the trial is going, and if there is any estimate on when KidThree has to testify.

(KidThree was struck by a stray bullet from a gang fight a little over a year ago, and the trial for her assailants started last week. She was left a complete T-9 paraplegic, hence all the appointments and the need for medical supplies. But, NOT complaining--she is alive and has full use of her head and her heart and her hands. That is so very much!!)

Today is a better day than yesterday. I got a bit more sleep last night, which always helps, and a check showed up in the mail yesterday. Money in the mail is always a good thing. Another couple of checks should show up today or tomorrow, which will make those good days, too.

I'd like to have a goal for the apartment today, but am not sure what that would be. I think, if I have the energy, I'll go to IKEA and get part of the set-up I want for the tv, to see if it will work. I'm trying to set this living room up to be kid-friendly, as I've left the workforce to care for KidThree and am earning extra money by babysitting, and as we've lived in this apartment for a bit, I've found things that need to be changed or reorganized. The tv is in front of the front window, which has under it the air conditioner, so no solid piece of furniture can go there. What I did was to set up a narrow table directly over the a/c and put the tv on that. However, that doesn't fully utilize that corner, and I've figured out a way to get more use out of it. Get a longer table, one with storage legs set up for pc towers, but use the storage space for board games, not computer towers. That gets every bit of use out of every square inch of floor space over there, and goodness knows I have a lot of board games and they need to be accessible to the kids. Today I can't swing the cost of the entire set-up, but I can get two of the pc-tower leg pieces and put them into place. The table to go atop them can come later: right now, they will just look a little funny on either side of the table that is there now.

Another thing that can be done in the apartment is to hang up my curtain. My sister does custom sewing and I have a gorgeous hand-made curtain from her, complete with matching hand-made sofa pillows. That curtain used to hang in my former living room, but here, because of the placement of the air conditioner, it will have to go in my bedroom; it will hang in place of the closet door. I've already removed the closet door (now stored in the back of the closet), had the curtain rod cut down to size (the closet door is not quite so wide as the former sliding glass door), bought the extra curtain rings (I didn't buy enough when it was originally hung up and so it has always hung a little funny, missing those four rings), and had the curtain cleaned, so all there is left to do is to take the brackets to the hardware store to buy the appropriate screws/bolts to fasten them to the wall. Then I can hang the curtain rod and then the curtain when next I have KidOne and KidFour both available. KidThree can sit in the doorway and make sure we hang the rod up straight. Getting the curtain hung will not cost more than a buck or two for the appropriate hardware, so I will put that next on the list of things to do. It will be a heck of a chore as the curtain rod is heavy and the curtain is big and heavy, but oh my will it look nice and brighten up my dark bedroom.

Time to go start laundry now. We had to give up our washer/dryer when we moved (our previous apartment was inaccessible), so I have to use the laundry room here. Since most of the residents here are college students and so sleep late, I usually get the laundry room to myself if I start early.

A

Hello out there,

and hello in here. Sometimes I look into the mirror and think, "who is that woman and what has she done with my face (body, life, etc.)?" The person inside is still there; I thought this might be a way to let her talk to herself without the little men in white coats circling round. Was this what it was like for my mother and all the aunties and grandmas? I am so sorry that, with most of them, I didn't have the chance to get to know the real women they were.

I have four kids, acquired through various means. Three of them are living here with me, in this little two bedroom, one bath apartment. KidThree and I had moved into it last year, then KidFour needed a safe place and decided this was it, then KidOne needed to save some money for a bit. So, now KidThree and I each have a roommate. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It ALWAYS makes me feel cramped in my head and heart and soul, hence the blog to try to relieve some of the pressure.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It went pretty well, considering the complexity of the kids involved. (Sorry, Grandma, I know your grandchildren Are Not Goats, but they really are past the age of being referred to as children.) KidOne worked most of the day, KidTwo lives far away, KidThree did have one fussy spell, and KidFour kept herself together. I got to relax, watch what I wanted on the tube, and got what I asked for delivered for lunch and dinner. Today back to work.

When I look around the apartment, I see it two ways: the first is the way it looks now, shabby, oddly furnished, and with a carpet that sorely needs cleaning. The second way is the way it looks in my head, after money magically appears to allow me to do all I want to clean and furnish and decorate. Prints are framed and hung on the walls, a couch sits across the room, and the tv is on a table/shelf set-up that cleverly allows the most efficient use of a very limited space. There is a lamp hanging from the hook in the ceiling that the last tenant left behind, and another hung from a hook that I installed. The lamps match, and are in excellent condition. No one gave them to me, someone with tastes not quite mine, and there are no pieces missing or chips on one side, and they don't tilt in one direction no matter where or how they are placed. The carpet is beautifully clean--all stains gone. The rocker I'm in is across the small room, next to the couch, a small table between them for my coffee cup. One of those hanging lamps is above that table. Here where my rocker is now, there is an unknown piece of furniture. It might be a pretty bench or it might be a smal loveseat or very large chair. Behind that piece of furniture, whatever it may turn out to be, there is a curtain hanging to separate the kitchen from the living room. I've never liked looking directly in the kitchen from the living room. I love to cook, so my kitchen always looks like something is about to start or is in process or is being cleaned up, and that makes the living room look not quite cleaned up, no matter how spotless it might actually be.

That's how I cope with the external chaos of this everchanging home. Inside my head, it is calm and complete, comfortable and pretty and sensibly arranged. Everything has a place and most things are in those places. Every time I actually accomplish one of the 'things to do' that are on the list in my head, I want to crow like a rooster to announce my accomplishment. Today, if I get the energy, I will re-hang the print in the kitchen. I had hung it up before the kitchen was in its final configuration, and now the microwave obscures the bottom of it. I'll just raise it about six inches and it will look lovely. This I can do without money, so it doesn't have to wait any longer. Now I'm looking around--what else can I do today that doesn't require funds? I have the day available, as my scheduled work cancelled. I know--that chest in the corner can go to the thrift shop. This will entail emptying the drawers (not difficult, there isn't much in them), then loading the chest and its drawers into my little car and driving all of a half mile away to the thrift shop. That will be one less thing to niggle at my order-loving soul. I can also return the school books that are under one of the chair. Six books, belonging to two different schools, neither of which is attended anymore by the Kid who brought them home. That can be done in conjunction with the trip to the thrift store, so I use as little gas as possible. That will be it for my daily goal (got to keep it small, so as not to be overwhelmed).
A