Tuesday, May 20, 2008

D-Day..

Today I get the lovely task of telling KidFour that she still doesn't get to stay past the end of the school year. I told her this initially a little over two weeks ago. After that exchange, she did try a little to be not so problematic. But, the changes were cosmetic, temporary in nature, and only around me; KidOne and KidThree still had to put up with the doom and gloom and self-pity and self-absorption; and KidFour was only able to keep her mind on cleaning up after herself for a day or two. This is an awful thing to have to do--tell a girl I've loved since before she was born that she can't stay here any longer, that I don't have the space or the financial or emotional resources she needs while she tries to get her head on straight. I don't think she HAS been trying to get her head on straight. It is easier to lie around blaming the parents and complaining how the world is so badly arranged and how stupid adults are in general. Oh but I hope this slap in the face (of being told she can't stay) wakes her up to the reality that the changes in her life have to come from her--she has to conceive them and put them into being. She will never be happy as long as she is waiting for someone else to adjust her world to fit what she thinks she needs.

But oh this is hard on the adult doing the slapping. If only I had more space so she could have her own room instead of contaminating the environment of KidThree (who has more than her share of troubles to deal with without KidFour's presence added in); if only I had more money so I could pay the rent and the bills and still be able to provide for KidFour; if only KidOne and KidThree weren't dealing with difficulties already; if only I hadn't found it necessary to leave the workforce, dropping our little family below the poverty level; if only KidFour's parents were mature enough and financially secure enough to send money to keep her from being such a financial drain up here. If, if, if. . . .

What a mess it is going to be for the next month.

A

No comments: